Friday, July 29, 2016

So.........

I have two days off a week, Monday and Friday. I really do know that this work pattern is fabulous, giving me long weekends, but, as I remind my colleagues, I am part time and I don't get paid for the Friday and Monday and I have been doing this job for 37 years so this fairly new and  rather lovely work pattern is, in my opinion, hard earned and much appreciated.
My parents live an hours drive from me, so I visit them on my day off and do this journey every week, and of late twice a week. By the time I have driven there, listened to them share whatever is on their minds that day, taken Pa shopping, had a cup of tea with Ma, and driven back, the day is effectively done. Last Friday I went over, last Monday I went over, and today I was planning to stay home and get a few things done on the home front........Pa rang me last night to ask if I 'was going to come over today?'. I steeled myself and said no, and immediately felt churned up.....about so many things. About how reliant they have become on me being there, and how Pa's voice is when he rings (Ma sits in the background directing him with what to say), his voice being a sort of cheerful and casual but not really casual enquiring voice.....and how he says 'oh ok..don't worry...we'll manage....no problem' when I say I won't be over. Guilty is the mood for today. Just lately, I find that being with Pa is very emotional.....he is disappearing before my eyes and I don't like it. He was always a tall well built man...always cracking jokes and being full of life. Now, he is still tall, but he is thin, and wobbly and slow and frequently has bruises (a side effect of the warfarin he is on) and his confidence is gone and he reminds me of an anxious child now....something about the look on his face when he asks a question. I am his child. He is my Pa. This reversing of roles is a journey I am not enjoying...and I suspect neither is he.

8 comments:

Yorkshire Pudding said...

Thanks for sharing this Libby. As my late mother often said, "It's no fun getting old". By the sound of it you are doing your best to support your parents. Perhaps if they lived closer to you it would be easier. Do you have siblings?

libby said...

YP..thank you....yes I have siblings but they are geographically far too far away (Kent and USA). Don't mind me having a rant...just needed to let the fizz out of the bottle and of course I do know that I am lucky to still have them in my life.

Joanne Noragon said...

A hard drive and no regrets. Growing old can go by as quickly as childhood, and be just a memorable.

Mrs. Splapthing said...

I know exactly what you're feeling. And it is hard, indeed. Hugs from NY to you.

sensibilia said...

Oh dear, that is so sad, and you have described it so well. It's no fun getting old, as my parents-in-law often said/say. My own parents both died 29 years ago within 2 months of each other, so I really never had time to go through this living grieving process with them.
Looking at my own husband, from time to time I already feel that he is "not there" although he is only 61. people age at different rates. You are so great with your parents and your love for your dad is a wonderful thing.

Trish Burgess said...

You have expressed this so well, that awful feeling when you look at your parents and realise roles have reversed and the guilt is with us now.
More of our time is taken up with visiting my aunt in a nursing home or taking our inlaws to hospital appointments and just keeping an eye on them. My mum is less of a worry as she is fit and well, with my brother close by, but I dread that changing.
I don't like seeing them getting old and it scares me to think that this will be us in the blink of an eye too.

libby said...

Thank you all for your comments ladies. I wish I could focus on posting upbeat uplifting stuff but at the moment I'm having to search that out so post infrequently....nobody likes a moaning minnie!

auntiegwen said...

Moan away X feeling your pain X hope to see you when I get back to the UK in between work and Scotland etc xxx