Thursday, September 16, 2010

chasing the past?

I have already written about the forthcoming departure to University of my beloved daughter. I am doing remarkably well with regard to not crying, or just watching her when she is unaware and going about her normal day to day-ness. She does not know how all consuming my feeling about this departure is. We laugh about how I might shed a little tear on Sunday when we say goodbye. I am ashamed that people say goodbye to children going to war, or into a hospital or God forbid into the ground....and I cannot compare my feeling with theirs....but the fact that this is a goodbye of sorts remains.....and grieves me....hurts my heart. She will probably never live at home again.
 People have always said that we look alike. We are very close, and it occurred to me today that while she is still here, we share so much of our lives together..she makes me remember my teenage years....my early married life longing for a child.....my 'young mum' years.
I want to do it again.....go back and do it all again.  Can't chase the past.....as fruitless as trying to knit with fog.....but I am so struggling with stepping into the future. I will just miss her so very very much....my heart, my baby, my beautiful child.

6 comments:

Steve said...

There's no need to make light of your feelings or be ashamed of them... grief is grief and this is a very real grief. Letting people go is the hardest but also the most beautiful thing any of us can do. Letting our children go is the hardest and most beautiful of all.

She Means Well... said...

It's something I have ahead of me, with Young'Un still just a 13 year old oik. I tell myself that I will be very cool and sensible about it, but I suspect that beneath the surface I shall be a blubbering wreck.
Hang on in there and I'm guessing that soon, you'll be watching with pride from afar and marvelling at how well she is managing on her own.
Meanwhile, feel free to cry on my cyber shoulder any time you need to...

Nana Go-Go said...

Oi, Missus, let me assure you YOU WILL SURVIVE!Although, truth be told, everything you said about the grieving process happened to me when my eldest boy went off to Uni. I`ve already mentioned about when I used to stand in my bedroom ironing the last of his stuff to take away (I think that was the last time any of it saw an iron to be honest!)whilst listening to him playing `Blackbird` on his guitar. That was my defining moment and you`ll have yours. But take heart, she`s off to start her own life now so kiss her goodbye and give her your blessing...and get yourself a Facebook account if you don`t already have one!Your future will be your past one day, so after you`ve done your moping (which is allowed), make every moment count from now on. Good Luck to little `un....she`s going to have a blast!

auntiegwen said...

It's the thought that my family will probably never all live together that grieves me. For I love my little family of 4. And her siblings are finding it hard too.

diney said...

I totally agree with the previous comments and can't better them. Suffice to say, I've been there also, and it is a defining moment there is no doubt (mine was seeing him wave as he drove away in a white van with all his stuff to live in London with his (then)girlfriend (now wife!). I was crying as I waved, but as he turned to wave I could see he was crying too. You will find it very hard and cry so much your eyes will hurt, but it does get better and you will then feel a great sense of achievement at being a fab mummy, giving her the courage to leave home. Good luck - remember it really, really does get better in time

Madame DeFarge said...

Wishing you well for tomorrow. As the daughter who left, I doubt that I ever thought about the impact on my mum. Take care.