Monday, July 22, 2013

If it's not one thing it's your mother..............

The photo above is of a confidential waste sack, and there is one of these paper sacks somewhere or other in most offices. I am a Civil Servant....there, I have said it out loud and I am mightily sick of having to apologise for it........for spending decades of years working for a living, and doing the best I could at all times for those around me. We are not all overpaid tea drinking lazy arses who have it easy............ all nurses are not angels and all teachers are not clever and all policemen are not bullies.  If you think differently then dream on.
There are a lot of things I am mightily sick of at the moment and that is one of the reasons I have not posted for some time.......the mental state I am in just now dictates that I should be focusing on good/nice/happy/ positive ........... so I have stayed're welcome.

I think though, that the words  'please do not fill above this line - confidential waste' were written just for me lately. They say just how I feel.

My 'big' sister stayed with us for a couple of days recently.
She annoyed the mister (although he hid it really well)  by cheering the opposing team
when the sport was on.
He still cooked her a tasty lunch.
She said 'ooh nellie' to herself each and every time she stood up.
She has taken my toothbrush from the bathroom.
She asked me if I would find her a mirror for her hall so that she 'could pontificate myself before leaving the house'.
Left all her red top papers and rubbishy magazines here 'in case you want to read them'.
Is becoming a little more difficult to understand sometimes as her speech is somewhat odd and she shouts and repeats herself.......and provides a running commentary over most tv programmes she is watching.
Has an 'unusual' look and hair and way of talking...calls everyone 'love'......everyone.
Grinds her teeth ALL THE TIME.

I have fallen from Grace with my Ma..........she is not talking to me (and truth be told I am not really talking to her at the moment) and I am mightily grateful for a break and some breathing space. Enjoying the peace.
In all honesty I think she has the beginnings of dementia, and however horrible and frightening that is for her, being scared and having ailments is no licence for her to up the ante with regard to being a miserable, depressed, sour unhappy person who has spent my entire life moaning at me about it.....I have been the repository for her thoughts and feelings (most of which she should never have shared with a child) since Adam was a boy and .....NO MORE...HERE, WATCH ME BACKING AWAY WITH MY FINGERS IN MY EARS SAYING 'LALALALALALALALA' I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

Pa is living on his very last nerve and I am really concerned for him.  I know this is just an interlude, a breathing space, where, once the excess has evaporated or drained away I will be able to allow myself to be filled up with everything again, I am conscious that time is precious. Just now though.....I AM FULL. So he has been left on his own with Ma....without me as the buffer between them. As my mister said 'Life is grim at your Ma's just now'.....and who knows what will happen next?

 None of us know the future and I could die before all 3 of them - Ma, Pa and Big Sis.
I do not wish death on anyone.....or wish it for myself.....but whichever way things turn out, nothing is going to get better with time. They will all become older, more unable to cope, more difficult, and rely even more heavily on me. I will become older, grumpier and feel even more like I am wrapped in a spiders web that I cannot escape from.
They are all getting further and further away from the family of my memory.
It is too late for me and the mister to move away from this area and abandon what has become the routine of our lives.....visiting every week, daily telephone calls, being there for any and every appointment.
I should shut up and not moan....I do know this....yet just at the moment I don't feel it.
Sometimes counting your blessings is hard...or is that only me and I deserve the hellfire wrath that must surely be out there somewhere? must be coming my way for being ungrateful.
Catholic cradle to inheritance guilt.

Crikey. I bet you're glad you popped by for this aren't you? No? Then move swiftly on and please don't judge me.....emotional times are hard just now in this neck of the woods.


On a lighter note, over the last few weeks .....

We visited Canterbury Cathedral, which was really lovely.
I walked the race for life with some friends.
My beautiful daughter graduated and is now on a paid summer internship in London.
We went to the Rankin/Alive exhibition at the Walker Gallery in Liverpool.
Sometimes.......the sun shone.
Sometimes.............I didn't have an almost daily headache or migraine.
Sometimes........................I forgot to be afeared of the future.


Steve said...

There will come a point when all this is behind you. It seems impossible to conceive at the moment, but you will get there.

P.S. Blog post title of the year!

Yorkshire Pudding said...

Dear Libby,
It's good that you can use your blog to share some of the stresses that you have been living with recently. Articulating "problems" is half the battle in my opinion. I'm not going to make light of anything you said or attempt to give you any trite advice. Just hang in there girl.
Best wishes,
Yorkshire P

K Ville said...

Hey I went to Canterbury cathedral recently too (see my blog) and I have to say,as nice as it was it also didn't stop me wanting to poke my family with pointy sticks to make me feel better about how much they are annoying me!

I think white space is a great place to put it out, hope your sister isn't reading although if I said that about my brother and he read it I'd generally think 'well at least you know how much you irritated me now' lol

I suspect the whole ageing parents problem will just get harder and harder and more guilt will ensue so we might as well just scream it out loud now and let the guilt balloon down a bit sometimes. So well done for doing that :)

Nana Go-Go said...

Things are definitely looking up....YP just made nice!!On a serious note, I was just saying last week that I would like to divorce my family (Mother and Sisters) but this week things are better.It goes like that in our family. I would also like to divorce my children but that would be impossible - instead I shall just plant a couple of fleas in their ears (and anyway, it's not their faults but their 'better halves' - don't ask).Hopefully things will get better at yours too though you certainly have your sorrows to seek with your lot. On the upside, it's wonderful that your daughter has graduated and great that you and the Mister can escape the daily grind now and again.Keep doing that for a while. Hope you get to grips with the situation soon and write anytime you like. I'm all ears! Have a great week, Libs. I'm also with Steve on the blog title - priceless!!xxx

Nana Go-Go said...

ps forgot to say fantastically well done on the Race for Life !

Cro Magnon said...

Libby, I am one of those annoying people who wake up each morning with a smile on my face and feeling great. This usually continues for the rest of the day, and I eventually retire to bed feeling the same. HOWEVER, if some miserable bastard comes along and imposes their misery on ME (i.e. trying to make their problems into MY problems), I become very upset.

So, keep well clear of negative people, think positive, and always be optimistic. Not always possible of course. xx

Curry Queen said...

You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family - was there ever a truer word spoken? I can identify with almost everything you have written (especially the Catholic guilt bit! :) We are the squeezed generation, sandwiched between parents who are decrepit and demanding and adult children who can't/won't leave home and remain over-reliant on us. There are days when I feel like grabbing my passport and just getting on the first plane to anywhere - the further away the better. Work is a saving grace - at least it means I'm not at their beck and call 24 hours a day...

auntiegwen said...

Oh bugger, it's a bit grim at the mo for you my love, sending loads of love your way, you can always come and vent here you know, wine always at the ready for you xxxx
ps congrats to herself for graduating & job xxx

Nota Bene said...

Is everyone going to Canterbury Cathedral at the moment? I think I should be told. Brilliant about offspring daughter...that should make you happy for the future!
As for the rest...families are sent to try us...

libby said...

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words.......I have pulled my big girl pants on and dropped my shoulders ....and am back at it without moaning....but thanks for listening xx

Trish Burgess said...

Just adding my support too. Thank heavens you have such a wonderful hubby to keep you sane through this.

Never been to Canterbury Cathedral. I'm missing out!

sensibilia said...

Bless you libby. Like you, (as so often), I have been reflecting on aging and the final consequences of the same, and haven't posted anything for ages.

Congrats to your lovely daughter, my advice is to focus on the younger generation. How wonderful that you and the mister still have such a great relationship.

As to the problems of your relatives, I cannot comment as both my parents died 26 years ago, within 3 months of each other. At the time, I was completely devastated, and felt my life was changed totally (which it was), but now I can see that I have been spared much grief of a completely different kind.

I think it best if you remember the good times, and keep your distance emotionally, if not practically.

Aside from your always-negative mother, remember it is age which is cruel and changes people in ways they cannot control. It is not you, it is the universe. You have a duty to yourself to take care of yourself and put your own mental health above that of people whose time has nearly run out. Help with the shopping etc, but switch off mentally, in other words.

libby said...

Trish..the Cathedral especially the crypt is well worth visiting,and thanks for the support.
S...such kind words....and wise ones too methinks....thank you.

Marcheline said...

There you are! Welcome back to the blogiverse! Let it all hang out, girl... we've got your back. (Oh, and a whole lot of stuff to unload ourselves, so why not join the party?) 8-)

Jay said...

I'm a bit slow to comment as I'm only just catching up on blog posts but I just wanted to add another voice of support. I have a very difficult relationship with both my parents, in fact no relationship at all with my Mum now. However I have to repeatedly put those guilty feelings to the back of my mind & try to ignore what others may make of the situation. I hope things improve for you & I hope it help to know people care. All the best, Jay

About Last Weekend said...

Amen to Curry Queen. BTW, I could read your musings all day, like a readable Philip Larkin, or a more relatable Sadie thingy. You should thing about combing all this into a novel or memoirs. Great having a good old let loose on the fam - btw does you sister read your blog? - I would LOVE to do that. You've been so great to your Mum and hard hard hard to grapple with dimentia, they are just not the same person.

Blowing the dust off the blog......

And in other news.......... I have decided to retire at Christmas. This will be a reduction in money coming in but hopefully a better qua...