Monday, July 22, 2013

If it's not one thing it's your mother..............

The photo above is of a confidential waste sack, and there is one of these paper sacks somewhere or other in most offices. I am a Civil Servant....there, I have said it out loud and I am mightily sick of having to apologise for it........for spending decades of years working for a living, and doing the best I could at all times for those around me. We are not all overpaid tea drinking lazy arses who have it easy............ all nurses are not angels and all teachers are not clever and all policemen are not bullies.  If you think differently then dream on.
There are a lot of things I am mightily sick of at the moment and that is one of the reasons I have not posted for some time.......the mental state I am in just now dictates that I should be focusing on good/nice/happy/ positive ........... so I have stayed're welcome.

I think though, that the words  'please do not fill above this line - confidential waste' were written just for me lately. They say just how I feel.

My 'big' sister stayed with us for a couple of days recently.
She annoyed the mister (although he hid it really well)  by cheering the opposing team
when the sport was on.
He still cooked her a tasty lunch.
She said 'ooh nellie' to herself each and every time she stood up.
She has taken my toothbrush from the bathroom.
She asked me if I would find her a mirror for her hall so that she 'could pontificate myself before leaving the house'.
Left all her red top papers and rubbishy magazines here 'in case you want to read them'.
Is becoming a little more difficult to understand sometimes as her speech is somewhat odd and she shouts and repeats herself.......and provides a running commentary over most tv programmes she is watching.
Has an 'unusual' look and hair and way of talking...calls everyone 'love'......everyone.
Grinds her teeth ALL THE TIME.

I have fallen from Grace with my Ma..........she is not talking to me (and truth be told I am not really talking to her at the moment) and I am mightily grateful for a break and some breathing space. Enjoying the peace.
In all honesty I think she has the beginnings of dementia, and however horrible and frightening that is for her, being scared and having ailments is no licence for her to up the ante with regard to being a miserable, depressed, sour unhappy person who has spent my entire life moaning at me about it.....I have been the repository for her thoughts and feelings (most of which she should never have shared with a child) since Adam was a boy and .....NO MORE...HERE, WATCH ME BACKING AWAY WITH MY FINGERS IN MY EARS SAYING 'LALALALALALALALA' I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

Pa is living on his very last nerve and I am really concerned for him.  I know this is just an interlude, a breathing space, where, once the excess has evaporated or drained away I will be able to allow myself to be filled up with everything again, I am conscious that time is precious. Just now though.....I AM FULL. So he has been left on his own with Ma....without me as the buffer between them. As my mister said 'Life is grim at your Ma's just now'.....and who knows what will happen next?

 None of us know the future and I could die before all 3 of them - Ma, Pa and Big Sis.
I do not wish death on anyone.....or wish it for myself.....but whichever way things turn out, nothing is going to get better with time. They will all become older, more unable to cope, more difficult, and rely even more heavily on me. I will become older, grumpier and feel even more like I am wrapped in a spiders web that I cannot escape from.
They are all getting further and further away from the family of my memory.
It is too late for me and the mister to move away from this area and abandon what has become the routine of our lives.....visiting every week, daily telephone calls, being there for any and every appointment.
I should shut up and not moan....I do know this....yet just at the moment I don't feel it.
Sometimes counting your blessings is hard...or is that only me and I deserve the hellfire wrath that must surely be out there somewhere? must be coming my way for being ungrateful.
Catholic cradle to inheritance guilt.

Crikey. I bet you're glad you popped by for this aren't you? No? Then move swiftly on and please don't judge me.....emotional times are hard just now in this neck of the woods.


On a lighter note, over the last few weeks .....

We visited Canterbury Cathedral, which was really lovely.
I walked the race for life with some friends.
My beautiful daughter graduated and is now on a paid summer internship in London.
We went to the Rankin/Alive exhibition at the Walker Gallery in Liverpool.
Sometimes.......the sun shone.
Sometimes.............I didn't have an almost daily headache or migraine.
Sometimes........................I forgot to be afeared of the future.


Just for now.