Friday, April 29, 2011

I confess.....

I watched it.
On and off during the morning.
Looked at the hats.
Felt that 4 hours sitting in the Abbey in your best frock and crossing your legs, and then not having a great view, was obviously very very thrilling for the people there, but slightly bizarre.  I found that I did get sucked in to watching more and more as time went by and even smiled and said 'aaah' twice......once when I saw her beautiful dress and then again at the kiss on the balcony.
Decided that it was a mite grumpy of me to be quite so bah humbug and I realised that I liked the event for one reason was lovely to see so many people being happy.
I don't understand why they were so happy. I cannot 'get' why so many people waved flags or dressed up or acted as if they knew the couple personally. I don't subscribe to the 'nations favourite family' nonsense. They are strangers to me and although I don't wish them harm I don't wish them anything at all really. 
Seeing happiness everywhere was good though.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Cosmic ordering?

What do you think? anything to it? worth a try surely............focus and patience and persistence are all that is needed maybe so watch this space.

Anyhoo......I have just read a '5 things I would change about my wedding' on and quite fancy doing it myself (wasn't invited to but what the that bad blogging etiquette? never mind..)

So I must say firstly that perhaps having had a white wedding once I have realised that it wasn't for me...I would not have one now....if I could go back in time I would.......

1. Make it smaller....fewer people, and only people that I wanted would be invited.
2. Not wear the silly dress that I wore, and which I didn't even like on the day.
3. Not have a disco.
4. Not have a 'wedding photographer' order us about.
5. Not sit in the sun and get burned the day before.

It is a strange fact that my wedding day was NOT the happiest day of my life......there were SO many things wrong with it.....I didn't like quite a few of the family and friends that had to be invited, I didn't like having to drive here and there picking people up and ferrying people around on my special day, I didn't like that my hairdresser friend let me down on the day and didn't turn up to do my hair and my mom spent all day telling me what a mess I had made of it myself, I hated the hideous doll ( a doll! a bride doll!!) that my mother in law gave me to carry with my bouquet, which I kept trying to lose and she kept finding and giving back to me... I hated it. I didn't like the fact that the florist sent the wrong flowers and my bouquet was not what I had ordered or wanted, I didn't like it when the organist did not play any music that I wanted and hardly played any music at all and  forgot to play as I walked up the aisle, so that all I could hear was the very loud squeek squeek on the floor from the shoes of the unknow to us  priest that arrived to replace the one we were expecting, I didn't like the way the photographer moved us about in a bossy way and took photos that were naff and we didn't like, I didn't like the way we let him because we assumed he knew what he was doing, I didn't like it that my cousin turned up in a white dress, I didn't like arriving at the reception to find my husbands mates already there and half cut, I didn't like catching sight of myself in the mirror in the loo sneakily dragging on a cigarette (the mister has never smoked and I gave up when I got married), I didn't like it when I spent most of the evening wondering where my new husband was ( he had LEFT his own wedding reception to have a drink at the local pubs that were new to him) and I didn't like the fact that I cannot remember anything my dad said, either before we left the house or at the reception.

I wanted to do everything right. Everything was wrong.

The whole day was a waste of money and time and effort.
I cannot honestly say that I was happy on that day.

We have had some difficult times and no doubt there will be more.
Yet, I like to think we will grow old together, and continue to hold hands like we still do...he still makes me laugh (even with his clothes on) and he loves me, which is ... well... puzzling sometimes.

Maybe, just like in SATC, a bad wedding can mean a good marriage.
We have been together for over 30 years.

trying to come back up from the dip......

Quiet at work and again I wanted to sigh and cry.....but in the end just carried on (because we have to don't we?) and in the spirit of trying to do something positive, at the end of the day, got together with my team and we had a meeting with our team leader. Without any swearing, and quietly, and, I hope, succintly and professionally we talked through our 'issues'.
I am not a fool, and I know (and have occasionally used) 'manager speak'.
He used it.
Placated us. Took it onboard. Understood. Thanked us for sharing. Noted our concerns.Asked us to leave it with him.
Used words and said fuck all.

Will end this post and do a different one now.....will switch my attitude.....for me, for my well being.

Oh dear,,,,,

Had another 'episode' at work yesterday.
Was asked to help out another team as they were short staffed.....was aware that everybody else on the other team was 'working' at a different speed......either dead slow or stop......and had been for some hours......there were comments like 'slow down you're making us look bad' and 'people usually have to wait anyway what is your rush'........and yet to me I was just doing what we do usually, and what my team do all the time.
The 'workers' spent all morning talking, drinking coffee, and ignoring people (including me who was doing all the work) and at lunchtime I left. Found my 'boss' and asked why the fuck I was there as they obviously didn't need me?
Only I did rattle off a lot of 'lazy bone idle fuckers' as well.................................I truly let the fizz out of the bottle....and said that I needed to stay in work but was struggling big time with this behaviour and needed some help from him.....he looked at me and you could see him thinking 'mental older lady...treat with care'.....
he has been with us for 6 months....I have been there for 34 years....and yes I know that sometimes us 'old timers' need to change to accommodate new ways.........but it seems to me and the other couple of 'lifers' here that all the new people have a very different idea of how to operate and no notion of customer service and do indeed leave all the work to us..........we are the 'go to' people for answers and knowledge but are also treated like doormats .......I want to leave....I hate my job....I feel like a prisoner.....wishing my life away one week at a time......I might count out how many days I have left until I'm 60 and cross them off on an inside my head calendar...........and learn to keep my 'bone idle fuckers' comments inside my head too.........
wish me luck.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Work sick.....

Each morning, as I rouse from sleep, I experience one of three feelings, with the need to pee being the very first usually. Then, depending on the day I either feel calm and grateful for my life or slightly sick and anxious. The slightly sick and anxious days are the days when I am going to work.

Monday, April 25, 2011

chance and circumstance.....

At the moment I am thinking about how lucky I am.
Not in a smug way.
In a 'how very fortunate I am' way.

With the mister and our daughter today we have had a trip to the potteries, a visit to a City for some shopping, then some lunch followed by a visit to a Cathedral, and are now back at home for a cup of tea.  My friend has not had such a good time.....she has been  burgled.
She is a single woman.
For years she has lived alone confidently.
She was in the house when the burglary was taking place. She was terrified.
It is not that they/he/whoever took her bag and blackberry and keys and cards and purse and ipod. Nor that they took her car. They took her emotional well being, her confidence, her feeling of security and safety.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

caught off guard...

My brother in Seattle just 'skyped' me. Which was lovely. He had my nephew and his DIL and his grandchildren with him......enjoying a happy Easter day.......what a wonderful thing technology is....we can all see each other and talk via the magic of the t'interweb.
Glad I'd washed my hair though.......even though its family, being caught on camera when you don't expect it makes you 'see' yourself through different eyes.
Which was an eye opener..... I don't think that crinkly neck is mine and those bags under the eyes and wrinkles on the face looked very odd. Must be a problem with the internet........maybe there is a help desk I can call............................................

Friday, April 22, 2011

Catching up...

Let us see.
What news from furthest Padua?

My cousin stayed with us last night. It was lovely to see him. He lives abroad and I haven't seen him for 7 years. He was visiting on business and stopped in to surprise us. We had a lovely evening and he drove off today with us all promising to try and meet next year.

My big sister (who, let us remember, cannot do escalators and at times can drive us all to distraction) won over £1300 on last weeks lottery. I was thrilled for her as she won it on her birthday weekend. How cool is that?.

My little sister (little? at 51?) has the heebie jeebies about some health concerns she has at the moment and I am trying to encourage her to worry less. Easy for me to say....I know that....but I really do believe that if we can focus on just this moment and forget the ones behind us and not worry about the ones ahead of us then life will be less stressful...and that has to be good. My husband also has some health concerns at the moment so I really am trying to listen to my own advice. Have to keep reminding myself though.

My beautiful daughter is home from University and eating us out of house and home......thank goodness.....if she doesn't eat then she is not well, so a healthy appetite is good news here. I am a derelict in my duty as a  mother at the moment though as earlier today, when I had no notion of what to buy for lunch (dinner is sorted) I suggested that her and her mates sat in the garden and I gave her some crisps, houmous and pitta and lots of fruit and a bottle of pimms........she may need to call childline!
I love her being here even if she does laugh at us going to bed when she is going out! I don't think she believes me when I repeat the 'done that been there' mantra to her....she cannot imagine that her mom ever danced all night or got up to all sorts or was ever young and slim......I do wish blogging had been around then and I had some evidence! or maybe not.......mmm maybe not......

Ma and Pa are pootling along and while they are not in hospital then all is well.

I visited with the other family cousins last week and that was great too.....I am so blessed to have family....not a large family but family all the same.....and I do wish I had kept in touch with them all more over the years...but better late than never.

What to say about my son? well .. he is working, and in love, so all is well....but I do wish he could get started on a career....he works hard for a pittance and I worry about him so.

Looking up from typing I am slightly concerned to see an awful amount of 'stuff' in the room....why am I such a hoarder? why do I not live in a scandinavian type, white and clean, tat free zone?? Only myself to blame I know, because I do love my bits and pieces...most of the time....and dusting and hoovering is very very over rated....

I weighed myself last night.......that was a stupid thing to do ...I am 11stone 3 lbs...however I am not 8ft there is something not quite right there.....I don't think at my age I will be able to shift the roll of fat around my middle (oh my god I must need treatment...I nearly posted a PICTURE of it just then..) unless I stop eating crisps and cake and cheese and ....well you get the after this weekend (chocolate needing to be eaten etc.,) then I will try to cut this space...don't watch this big fat hips/belly/arse.....

What else? oh yes....with an old schoolfriend I am going to see Rufus Wainwright at the Royal Opera House in July....does anybody know of hotels near covent garden that will NOT cost us an arm and a leg to stay in for one Monday night?

The need to be creative is hitting me again and I fancy re-upholstery as a project ..... I have the notion to recover a rocking chair that is somewhere in the scary place that we call a garage......when utilities men call and ask to read the meter they get a funny scared look on their face when I unlock the garage door.......I do believe some peculiar people keep cars in quaint...'ahem'...

The sun is shining to day and as Bank Holiday weekends go this has all the ingredients that could make it great......nothing planned (which we like) and as much time as we like for just pottering about........heaven on a stick eh?

May your weekend be wonderful.......peace and love people, peace and love xx

Friday, April 15, 2011

regrets and disappointments.....

My 'I want to .. honest'  post was one I wish I hadn't posted.
My guard was down and I was beginning to feel comfortable.
This is not the right place to be cracking open the shell and releasing all thought, feeling, emotion ... at least not for me.
This launching of ones words into the blogosphere is a curious thing. Exposing your heart and soul is cleansing and freeing and will make you the right circumstance. Right here, right now is just not...right.

Yet again, I know this much is true.......amazing people write blogs that show me how wonderful humans are.....they share words and wisdom with grace and humility and beauty ..... and remind me to see hope and happiness in every little thing or action or picture or word or deed or sound .

The blogs I read are all pen portraits of people that I think I would enjoy the company of. You all know who you are, as by and large I comment. Decent people with values and mores and shared sentiments, who express themselves with wit and humour and sometimes gravitas. We are after all herd animals and feel comfort in binding together. I do feel privileged to peek into these other lives sometimes, and if talk of family, and life in general is boring to others, it certainly never is to me.

I was having a 'moment'. A 'wobble'. I am over it now.

There is no judgement here. I aspire to become more tolerant as I is a work in progress.
Peace and love people...peace and love.

Digital immigrant.....

That is what I am apparently. I am glad to know this. I thought I was just stupid. I struggle with the modern world sometimes and technology has me in a spin more days than I would like. I have a foot in two camps. The first foot, the one almost planted down deep in the earth, keeps me in mind of the world I used to know and be happy in......the second one has toes tentatively poking and prodding at the ground to see if it is safe to walk upon. I straddle the two and sometimes have the grace of a high wire walker.....but not very often. Most times I may look as if I am being held and moved by an invisible tango dancing partner.
Digital immigrant. I feel better having this appellation. It explains me.

seesaw....this week...

This week my ma collapsed in my arms and I thought she had had a stroke. It was very scary. Luckily we were outside the surgery and the GP called an ambulance....the GP and the paramedics were wonderful. She had not had a stroke. She is ok now. We will watch this space.  So the bad is her collapsing and scaring the bejasus out of me...but the good is that she did not have a stroke.
My son and DIL were rear ended in their car by an arse who was going too fast. He had the grace to apologise, but their car has been written off.....they have only had it for a few months. So the bad is them losing the new car. The good is that had they been in their old car they would have been squished to death...they are here..that is all that matters.
With my husband we made our big decision. He is on a different path in life at the moment and I am at his side. We hope it will be an adventure.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I want to...honest......

Write something.

I feel that if I start I won't stop.
So am coralling my thoughts before writing anymore.


Just for now.