Monday, January 31, 2011

listing stuff...

If I post 5 facts about me, if you fancy it, tell me 5 facts about you.......or not, no pressure...all is relaxed and easy here at the moment as I am still in my jamas and feel a bit rudderless?....I am ignoring the fact that the kitchen and bathroom floors look like they could be verging on health and safety issues and the whole house does in fact need a bit of a do......but what is a day off for if you can't just sit in your jamas and read blogs and eat cake all day? I mean really??

So....given that there is no cohesion or arc or narrative to this rambling of mine, lets get started shall we? five facts.....


Unlike Auntiegwen I like driving.
I do not like sport. (it does'nt like me back....that is why I look the way I do..all arse/belly/hips wobbling).
I once declined an opportunity to have lunch with Chris Isaak...through a 3rd party obviously..I mean Chris did'nt ask me.....and let's face it he had just made that 'wicked game' much grief about your appearance can you give yourself after watching that?
Cucumber makes me burp and now garlic seems to be turning against me too...
I still have a payslip from 1979.

There you to get dressed now........maybe.....

invading my space......

Monday is my day off.
My husband has taken today off.
Things are different with him here. I mean I love him and all but this should be my day.....does that make me selfish? don't answer that question........ the weekend I was here..............and here was very very cold....but good fun....very bracing.

Friday, January 28, 2011


Yes....I am nothing if not predictable........FRIDAY!!!! HUZZAH!!!!

And only until lunch time am I part of the proletariat....then freedom is mine all mine........

New Team Leader (looks 12) wants us all to move desks etc., so most of today will be fannying about with stuff backwards and sad that I am quite pleased to have a change of tempo for my working day...easily pleased me.......

have a great Friday everyone!  xxxx

Thursday, January 27, 2011

At some point today.....

I will close my eyes, breathe deeply and slowly, and smile. Know that I am alive, and well, and loved and living my life......

Try it........pass it on.....have a lovely day.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

not a rehearsal......

My boss went to bed as usual with her husband on Saturday night.
She woke up Sunday morning and he didn't. 

Makes you think on doesn't it?

Sunday, January 23, 2011

I remember....

That my paternal Grandmother had a strange scar on her thumb.....she had breadknife sliced down the top of it years before and left a deep cleft in the centre of her thumb and nail.....I hated to see it and wouldn't look at it at all....and she had a wart on her forehead that she covered with her fringe. Don't feel sorry for her though. From what I know she was not a very nice person, and even as a child I didn't have any emotional feeling for her. Obviously she had a story of her own, but her agenda was also always her own and scarred my pa, so no, no love lost there.

That at night, when we went to our shared bed, me and my sister would turn up side down on the top of the bed, place our feet on the wall behind the headboard and make up synchronised dance routines.

Hitchhiking to a festival down south (Reading?), and being picked up by some weirdo in a car who then proceeded to take us (me and my sister again) on a tour of his home area, and being scared, and feeling like he was keeping us prisoner....he took us on a really circuitous route and at one point took us to his house for a cup of tea....every time we said 'its ok we can take it from here' and tried to get away he, somehow, would get us back in the car and, strange as it sounds, I didn't want to spook my sister so I was keeping calm outwardly but panicking inside. Looking back, a journey that should have taken us an hour took about 3 and this person paraded us around for people to see. He could have been very sociable. He could have just meant to share a cup of tea with us. He could have been lonely. He could have been very dangerous. We were very very very lucky.
Stopped hitching after that.

My mom made two fruit flans one sunday afternoon. Not really cooking. Just a ready made flan case....a tin of fruit and some nestles cream on the top (and in those days we did say nestles...not nest..lay) for our Sunday afternoon tea. One was strawberry and one was mandarin orange. They looked so pretty. I watched as she arranged the orange segments and then boilt the kettle to add to the powder to make the jelly. I think now of all the chemicals involved in these puddings. The two flans sat on the kitchen table side by side. They looked like two big sparkly brooches in artificial colours, vivid red and vivid orange, with jelly glistening and the pure white of the cream.
Dad came back from the pub. After all this was Sunday. There was an argument. A flan was picked up and thrown. As the hand reached for the table I was wishing 'not the strawberry, please not the strawberry..'.
We had mandarin orange flan for tea.
I don't really like strawberries much as a grown up...I prefer raspberries.....and certainly never mandarin oranges from a tin.

Stealing mouthfuls of baby powder from a tin in my aunts was like the inside of maltesers.

Taking my turn with my brother and sisters at night sitting on the draining board of the sink in the kitchen, with my feet in the water, getting washed by mom, and then dried by dad, and then putting on pyjamas warmed by the oven.

Wallpapering a ceiling (Ha!) with my husband in our early years, as we stood on tables and chairs and any other thing to hand and had a go ourselves.  It was a mess.... but at one point, with both of us with our arms stretched up to try and hold the thing to the ceiling, we laughed and kissed. The two of us. In it together. Trying to save some money. Nothing changes. Only now we get someone in to do the decorating.

My mom getting me up from bed, making me get dressed and taking me into town, to make me go into a local disco and find my elder sister, who had climbed out of my brothers bedroom window. My mom waited outside. I was about 15 I think. I was so humiliated. I was too young for the disco. They let me in. I was where I wanted to be... sparkling lights and dark corners, music, cigarette smoke and the clinking of glasses.....and the palpable feeling of sex and excitement. I was wearing my pyjamas under my jeans and had no make up on and bedhair......I was mortified. My sister was hiding in the toilets.I felt like staying there with her.

Yearning, really yearning, and feeling that my heart would never mind, when I worried that I would never be able to have a baby. Years and years of looking at a group of people and only seeing the pregnant one. Every month being a disappointment. Wishing and hoping and making deals with God and trying every which way to get pregnant.
Giving birth. Both times. Being content and calm. The inner struggling rage and anxiety gone.

Getting very very very drunk with my friend Auntiegwen and throwing up ....lots and lots of red wine...practically projectile vomiting...and she held my hair and said lovely things .

Looking at my younger sisters hands, and lips, and jaw, and hair and legs and wanting them and not mine and wondering why I was the fat one. She eats more than me. She makes me laugh like no one else. She is cleverer than me. Why wasn't I her?
She was given to me to look after by my mom. I had to care for her.  I did, and do with all my heart.
She used to be my baby until I had my own.

I made more deals with God.

So far, we are all still here.

I remember........lots and lots of things.....and people and places and times and events and feelings and sights and sounds and smells.

I remember wondering why I was blogging.  Thinking that it was a strange tap out my thoughts onto a keyboard.

Still here, still tapping.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Back from the pictures....

The film is fabulous.
Not only a fascinating telling of a story, but beautiful to look at, and a film that makes me, who is not a monarchist, actually have some sympathy for the people who inhabit that strange world of 'being royal'.
Not overly long, with an ending that brings a smile to the lips and a hint of a tear to the eye (was that just me?) every performance was spot-on.
Of course, Colin Firth is WAY too good looking to play Bertie and let's face it Helena Bonham Carter is incredibly beautiful, so thinking of her as the Queen muvver is stretching it a bit, and the very beautiful Jennifer Ehle made me think of Meryl Streep.....and Mr Rush is great as Lionel.

Wish men and women still wore the sort of clothes worn during that time (although with my cankles the dumpy shoes would perhaps not be great) as suits on men, with hats, and fox furs and fabulous dresses on the ladies, looked so gorgeous.
Anyway....go...see what you think.....

kid gloves....

Strangely, although today has still been busy, everybody had been very solicitous towards me...lots of 'are you ok?' 'can I help you with something' 'why don't you take a break'........all offers which are as rare as hens teeth usually.
Either my outburst served its purpose and they are feeling guilty, or they are now scared shitless of the mad old woman who looks like she could lift a photocopier with one hand and throw it at the nearest dimwit who dares to look at her askance....either way I will see what the next few weeks this space....


My poor husband.

After he heard of my day yesterday (I truly did let the fizz out of the bottle with every detail for him..) and gave me a glass of wine and encouraged me to just sit and relax last night, this morning he has just rung me from work to check that
 a) I am going to work today
 b) I'm not going to do any damage today
 c) I will try to hold my tongue and just get through the day with no drama
 d) remember that it is Friday and we are going to the pictures tonight with son and dil to see The Kings speech so there are good things to look forward to.

I will be a good girl. We have a mortgage to pay. A child to get through Uni.,
One day though. One day.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

so close.......

Today, shaking with anger, I threw open a door and told three lazy fucker 'teamleaders' what was what.

I did not say all I wanted to say.

But the horrified and scared look on their faces made me realise perhaps that was a good thing.

No telling them to shove their job just yet.....but I can almost taste the possibility.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

one of those days......

The bad -

Such a long, busy, tiring day today and have had to bite my tongue really hard twice today ... once when I wanted to say to someone 'you are a pathetic specimen of a man who should never have been allowed to do not deserve to have children'.....and once when the laziest fucker in the universe breezily said 'I'm shattered...' and jaws dropped everywhere.....

The good -

Spoke to the kids on the phone...........all is well with them....exams for one and sorting out some jobs issues for the other....they are good kids and I love them very much........

just talking to them both and ending our 'phone conversation with our usual 'love you'......made me feel so much better.............

Sunday, January 16, 2011

just random thoughts.......

Sunday is a different sort of day for me and the mister now.
Used to be running one child or another somewhere or other and a big cooked lunch.
Now we eat what we like when we like and have a big blank canvas of a day to wallow about in.
Pretty good actually........just still feels a bit an inspector of some sort is going to turn up and make us account for our time..

On another note, my mother, who has been in and out of hospital just lately, is now taking 'something from the doctor just to stop me worrying so much...' and OH HAPPY DAY!!!...............she smiles, she laughs, she WENT OUT TO LUNCH with my far so good.....must get the name of the pill and just check for side effects etc., but hope she doesn't stop taking that very very selfish of me? perhaps, but I don't bloody care.....

Went day tripping yesterday and saw a bit more of our lovely countryside....also had lunch with a friend from lucky am I to have made a friend through the magic of t'internet?

I have a new boss starting tomorrow. I am 56. He looks about 12. Ho hum.

The Kings Speech.........worth going or what? any opinions?


Friday, January 14, 2011

Ping food....

Out last night with two friends. The one friend has a son who works in a local large chain pub/eaterie. She had coupons. Classy does not even begin to describe us.....three middle aged women with coupons on a Thursday night. I was driving so I didn't even have a drink. The wait between our starter and main was so long I wanted to go home. I wish I had. My food was .... well ...I'm sure we have all eaten 'ping' food.....and as my folks always say 'hunger is a sweet sauce'.....but I won't be rushing back thats for sure. Coupon or no coupon.

ps Friday!!!! I so love Friday.........

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Almost Friday.....

All this faffing about wishing my life away 'cos I hate work has to stop...I have a job ..pays the bills..'nuff sed.

Have a good Thursday people.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Considered writing something that would be interesting, thought provoking, worthy of taking up your time....instead I have this.........

Still in the crochet mood....bought more wool at the weekend so had better crack on and get this blanket done....could do with it as I'm cold today.

Off to make some cheese on toast for tea.

Must tackle that mountain of ironing at some point.

Made a fabulous (modest I know, but reports from 'tasters' were v v good) trifle at the weekend ... wish I hadn't given all of it to Ma and Pa yesterday..just fancy a bit.

Can't seem to get back into Wolf Hall.....maybe have another go tonight......that or wild sex...see how I feel come bedtime.......
There...that last bit woke you up a bit didn't it?

Monday, January 10, 2011

Tidy, empty......quiet..........can I go back please?

If only blogging had been around years ago. I have boxes and boxes of photos and of course my memories, but life goes by so very very quickly. My children are grown and flown and my house is now tidy, empty and quiet. The only place I know is inside my head and I think about our life with the kids when they were small so longingly.....such happy times. How wonderful it would be to be able to go back in time via reading your blog and looking at snapshots of each days activities or thoughts.
Although, discussing stuff with my daughter the other night, it was lovely to share with her that for me and her dad, this period of our marriage is perhaps like returning to our courting days......great fun, just us, doing what we want when we want to and enjoying our life together.....older and wiser and still together over 30 years later. Bald spots, wobbly bits and creaking joints...both of us!
So no..I don't want to go back...I want to make the most of what I have now...a little window of opportunity that is fabulous really.

 I think I may take some time (and it might take some time) to scan in all my photos........

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Sleeves up....bring it on....

Something about gazing down at this washing up made me feel better....strange I know....but a cup of tea and just carrying on with life and its ups and downs has given me a new resolve.
Quit moaning and just get on with it.........LIFE IS GOOD!
I shall breathe, smile ......

Please feel free, ( in fact please please assist me in this...if there is a hint of whining or not being grateful for what I have) to give me a kick up the arse via the ether .....

Today will be what I make of it.

Please enjoy your day today, whatever you are doing...working, lazing, gardening, loving, cooking, fighting, travelling, shopping.....whatever you are doing.

we live   we love   we laugh    xxxxx

Friday, January 7, 2011

Normal service will be resumed at some point......


Parent in hospital.
Parent out of hospital.
Parent back in hospital.
Out again.

Work very busy.

Fates deciding they have been leaving me alone for too long.

Got cocky by deciding to be all optimistic didn't I?

Anyhoo......back on the horse and back to normal soon.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Come in Karma ... your time is up......

My sister has been burgled.
I hate burglars.


For everyone who calls by and reads this blog....thank you....hope you have a happy and healthy new year and that 2011 is everything you hope it will be.

Must work out the heating........

I left for work at 7.50 this morning - no heating on - left work at 5.15 and then went to choir - so have just come in and the house is COLD...