I do not embrace change. Change unsettles me. Looking back I can see that things that I saw as constants were in fact not. The universe lied. Presented me with something and then things were rearranged.
I am comfortable with what I know. How things are. Where things all fit together. Move things around and I am not excited. I am cautious. Anxious.
Yet I am not a stupid person and realise that some change is good and necessary. Sometimes change has made me smile and added greatly to my life and the lives of my loved ones. It has surprised me.
I was born in the 50's. Yes I am that old. Not in my head though.
As a child in a Catholic family I recall Mass being said in Latin. With the Priest facing away from us.
Not so now.
At school I was taught (with a slideshow) that if I sinned my 'soul' would be covered with tiny little black spots each time I sinned and eventually it would be black all over and I would be doomed.
I was scared. I have sinned. Was not always sorry. No longer worry about the state of my soul.
The currency we used was pounds shillings and pence. Later it was changed. Decimalisation.
I do not really feel comfortable with numbers and failed maths 'o' level. Shouldn't the change have made it better for me? was I really that stupid that I struggled with both methods?
Measurement was feet and inches. Liquid was pints. I still measure in pounds and ounces.
Being kind and good and honest was the way to go...so I was taught. Maybe not....bad people seem to prosper.
My Grammar school did not have a uniform. Then it did. It had one name and then another.
If you are hitchhiking around the country, kind people will give you lifts. Grown ups could be trusted. Couldn't they?.
I thought my parents would always be there to look after me...they would be strong and capable and protect me from everything and I could relax and they would be there between me and the world. They would be unlike other humans....they would be strong and not be flawed or insecure or unable to cope or just 'be their own person'.
I am what I believe to be called by the popular press 'the sandwich generation'. My elders needing care above me and children needing care below me. I am the middle.
This year is almost done. So far no-one is dead. This is good.
Next year is an unknown quantity.
I do not step lightly across the threshold because who knows what is out there.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave man only one. Or something like that. I am tired of living my life that way. Worrying and holding my breath. So far the fates have been kind to me. I will try to embrace change with a smile.
I will send out a wish to the moon and to mother earth and the fates and anyone who will listen that all humankind may have health and happiness and peace and joy in 2011.
Please join me...I do believe that there is power in prayer or just massed energy and hope and wishing.
Or just hanging on...taking each day as it comes.
If you have reached these last words I apologise for the gloomy nature of this post.
Here is my change....I will ....