Tuesday, November 30, 2010

of course I meant TO WEAR thick tights......

See, that previous post has made me all un-necessary...thinking about glue and shaving and trying to lift up the roll of belly that covers the top of my bits and pieces! There....I bet that's put you off your dinner has'nt it?

Decorating your lady bits.......

I know it's Christmas and everybody likes to decorate......but crystals on your nether regions! Trish at http://mumsgoneto.blogspot.com/.... has written a great post about vajacials.......purleeeeeeese....Winter is a good excuse for me not to wear thick tights and not to shave my legs and therefore to have shins and knees like furry cossack boots.........

Monday, November 29, 2010

I remember....

My husband proposing to me.

Standing up and shouting 'come on son...don't give up...keep going..' from the balcony of a swimming pool when he was last in a race and there was silence everywhere......

Needing a poo when we were out in the middle of nowhere as children and having to squat down in the corner of a cow field.

Sitting with friends and drinking lots of guinness and laughing one long afternoon in a cosy pub in London.

Going to Mass alone one time when I was young and single and unhappy....

Having a panic attack during our climb of Snowdon...we were almost at the top and I suddenly could'nt climb any further...I was suddenly terrified of movement and unable to stop shaking.....my beautiful son slowly helped me to relax, breathe and just move one foot in front of the other again.

Looking at a small beautiful painting in a gallery in LA and wondering about buying it....had just enough money left from our holiday spends.....decided against it and have regretted it ever since.

Walking to school.

Lying to a priest about why I was'nt in Mass the previous day.....and being chastised.

Looking at the mountains from the window of Milan airport and being really really tired but drawn to the beauty of the snow topped peaks.

Trying skiing...once...I was 17....I hated it.

A flaming sambuca drink in an underground London restaurant.

Losing my virginity.

Reading, reading, reading....to and with my daughter....so many books.....and the little girl in my 19 yr old beauty pointed to a poster in the book shop recently and said excitedly 'oh mum do you remember the tiger who came to tea?'....

I do remember...I do.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

fragility.....

Earlier today I took Dad to Asda and then to Sainsburys. In the car between the two stores, as we were chatting, Dad said  'do you know, just lately, I feel really really old.....' and then he sighed and looked so forlorn I decided that joking would be the way to go, and reminded him of who he was, where he lived and that he should keep doing the crossword to ward off the dementia...he chuckled and we carried on.
My parents always ask me as I leave them to ring them once I return home. I know. I am not 12 and sometimes forget and then they are anxious. So I ring. Dad sounded strange...sort of scared and upset...he thought he had left his card at the till in Asda....I told him not to panic, that I would ring Asda........as I am on the phone to the very nice customer service people there, I can tell that he is trying to ring me again.....he has found it....he is relieved and apologetic....no worries...all is well etc., but I suspect this evening he will feel even worse than he did this morning......

Friday, November 26, 2010

tears now....

just listened to Family Life........

lovely way to start the day....

Paul Buchanan.The Blue Nile. Tinseltown. That bit where he sings (with that oh so gorgeuous voice..) 'do I love you? yes I love you....'

Thursday, November 25, 2010

an opportunity for change....more smoke and mirrors?

I believe the Prime Minister is concerned with how I feel. Apparently. The well being of the nation is to be looked at. Hmmph.
I am old enough now and disgruntled enough to think that all politicians are the same sauce in different bottles.
I want to think that things will change...the nation and all its citizens will have life, liberty, food, water and shelter, jobs, health, education and enjoy peace.
I want to be a size 12 with bigger boobs and have no mortgage.......ain't gonna happen.....

Monday, November 22, 2010

The W.I. .....

Spent the last 3 days at the coast....when you live in the middle of the country, being beside the sea is wonderful. Looking at it, listening to it. Slowing yourself down.

Visited a W.I. fair which was lovely....bought a cardigan, a jar of chutney, some plants and the best lemon drizzle cake I have ever tasted. Am slightly in awe of W.I. ladies - my domestic goddess skills would be surely lacking and if in future years when I have the time/and or inclination I apply to join I suspect  the ladies might be 'a housewife? a mother? are you sure? who looked at your application form???'.....and let's face it when I made my Christmas cake at the weekend I cheated and used the 'Delia' bag....bovvered me? naaah.

At the moment I feel calm and content. My family are well. November is, to me such a lovely month, and yet most people hate it. I have a birthday early in the month and once that is over with I feel that I have a breathing space to start looking forward to Christmas...and Christmas is just wonderful, I love it. My mother has told me every year how much she hates it and this attitude has not altered my feeling at all. I love nearly everything about it.

There is magic. It does exist.  Much of everyday life is just smoke and mirrors but some things...some times, experiences, feelings ....well they just make you remember that life is magical.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Decisions...

There is frost on the car and it is dark and cold outside. The tea is hot and the toast is tasty. I would like not to go to work today...to just stay here and read and crochet (must finish babette blanket..) and perhaps put a film on to watch.  This is of course madness. Not watching a musical, no that is never madness...always cheers me up no end....but contemplating playing hookey and hiding away here in my home like I used to do when I should have been taking exams at school.
Strange how the arc of the story of my life is so clear there.
Anxious child? wait till everyone is out and then return from walk to school to guard the house.
Fuck up your Grammar school education.
Have no career.
Work for many many many years in crap job.
Middle aged woman? now everyone has left the house I would like to stay in it and not go to crap job.


Breakfast over. Decision made.

Monday, November 15, 2010

a trickle that may become a stream.....

I remember.....


Reading a letter to my mother from her son, my brother, which casually said at one point 'oh and I got married at the weekend'.

Telling my little boy that he had passed the Grammar School entrance exam.....he said 'Oh good mom...... what's for tea?'

Stand up shouting fights with my mister than ended up in doors slamming and seperate rooms.

Dreaming that my little sister was drowning in a bath of very shallow water with a damp towel over her....but I saved her.

Using a video camera in the torrential sideways rain in Ireland in the middle of nowhere when we had rented a cottage on a mountain top....me and my husband and the kids were wrapped up in rainwear and boots and scarves and although the weather was horrendous and we walked for miles and miles we seemed to never stop laughing.

thinking back.....

As someone who likes (no..must be in control) I am a bit cross about memories. They just don't behave do they?. Why can we not just 're-run' our whole life in our head like a movie? Who is in charge of the editing..I would like to have a word.....
Mostly I do remember stuff, if we just ignore the normal mid-fifties memory loss type things that I am choosing to not dwell on. Timelines bewilder me though, as I trawl through events and people in my past and wonder what was when and who was where and who did what with whom...........and sometimes why.
I remember when the kids were little and we were en famille somewhere and having a good time, I would look at them and say 'remember this...this is good' and they would laugh at me, not surprisingly, but we all remember different things don't we? Even different versions of events. The mind is a curious thing. I find it comforting to look at family photos...to talk to relatives. My mother keeps asking me questions about people or places and when I say 'not sure...' she says 'you do remember..you do..' as if by straining or trying harder I can remember her memories and she mine. Of course, not everything should be remembered. Perhaps that is why there is a filter, but the baby goes out with the bathwater it seems to me...great swathes of time....memory is a purely random thing unless it is supported by objects, photos, music, interaction with people. I want to be in charge of my memory. I have no hope I suppose. I will, if I keep my marbles, remember some stuff and lose memory of other stuff...such is life.

Edited rememberances......

Wearing the hood up on my school mackintosh and walking home in the rain and loving the feeling..looking out on the world from within a warm safe shelter.

My teeth chattering with terror when I was in labour with my first child....the fear overtook me.

My mom, all dressed up to go to a dinner dance, wearing a gorgeous black cocktil dress and holding her black suede high heels over the steam of a boiling kettle and brushing the marks from them.

Now that I think about it, I might start writing a few down every now and again, so that I can look at them and think 'ah yes....'


How is your memory?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I'd prefer the windows to be open......

This is Autumn to me...when you have to start wiping the car windows before you drive to work..usually in the dark.
My contribution to http://stickyfingers1.blogspot.com/ where Tara's theme is Autumn.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Madness...just madness.....

Remember when someone crashed into my car passenger doors in June.  Admitted liabiltiy then changed their mind. Damaged the new car I had just finished paying for. All these months later it is still not resolved. To top it all, the Insurance company say that it is now a write off............because the cost of the two replacement doors and sill is almost the value of the 3 yr old low mileage car. That I drive. That is the first car I have ever bought. That apparently is now worth tuppence and a bit of string. I would rather just continue to use it, damaged doors untouched than scrap it. Has the world turned upside down?
.

Monday, November 8, 2010

shopping like a pensioner.......

As I have mentioned before, each week I take my dad to the supermarket.
He has a list.
We buy,  more or less,  the same things each week.
Nothing fancy.
Fruit, vegetables, bread, cheese, washing powder, tea. Marmalade, sugar. Sometimes croissants, sometimes cakes.

I found myself for the first time ever, seeing that there was a  ' two for one/half price/50%' deal on PGTips saying with a hint of excitement in my voice 'ooh that's good dad, I'll have one of those...' and realised that I am a pensioner in waiting.........

Sunday, November 7, 2010

I'm thinking of setting up a place......

It occured to me that in that fourth photo down, with the newspapers, you can see a screwed up lottery ticket. Obviously not a winning ticket. I am surprised that I have been doing the lottery for all these years and always always manage to not win.....I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMEONE SOMEWHERE I CAN WRITE AND COMPLAIN TO ..... what do you reckon?

My day in pictures so far.......

Initially..... I was in here








had some of this.........








and then some of this.....










Looked at the papers and then had a mooch around the garden......

decided not to sit on the bench at the end of the garden......




Came back inside and sat with my cat on my lap (I know there is a smutty joke there...I chose the higher ground and didn't mention it.......what? you don't know what I mean? sheltered life hmm?)


Have been laaaaaaaazzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......all day........this empty nest stuff has up sides......

no time restraints, no cooking for others, no 'moms taxi', just time to read, sleep, eat, mooch around and read blogs.........

Will get back into the active groove tomorrow........time for tea and cake now.....

Saturday, November 6, 2010

One year old today......

The camera may be slightly better than the other one...but the operator (that would be me) is just as useless....have no idea what button or whistle to play with........but today I was here.......and there was one of these and we walked by this. Saw my daughter, met some uni., friends, lunched with family.... had a wonderful day. Thank you 'fates'....you are bestowing kindness upon me and I am truly grateful.
ps one year on...my blog baby is taking faltering steps and has a birthday today....live love laugh everyone x

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Have to press the right buttons.....

A friend has lent me (with a view to buying) one of his many cameras. So that I can try to take better pictures. There is no info book with it though so I intend to play around with all the buttons etc., this weekend and take it from there....don't get excited...still ditchwater stuff over here at scribing towers...maybe thats a good thing though...nothing extra-ordinary or scary or 'fuck that's awful/terrible/interesting/sad/funny'....ok with me though.

Head cold....

Runny nose...sore throat....heavy eyes.....sneezing. Not a good look.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

feeling inadequate...but normal....

Dinner tonight? Veggie sausage, mash and beans (no peas in the freezer...how did that happen? there are always peas in the freezer...) with a slice of cheesecake from Sainsburys for pudding.
Masterchef is on....do I really need to say more?

Monday, November 1, 2010

Who's your Hubbell?

Not everyone has a Hubbell. And if you are reading this and don't know what a Hubbell is...... then  perhaps you should go and have a cup of tea, or do the washing up or carry on with the important thing you were doing or should be doing....perhaps come back later....or not....up to you. But if you have had a Hubbell in your life then I would like you to sit back and just take a few moments with me. I had a Hubbell moment today.  Remember how it felt? Being young and in love. Being together yet never feeling that Hubbell was the one you would live out your days with. With Hubbell there is passion and happiness aplenty but the nagging feeling that your life was waiting for you to start it somewhere else...with someone else.......so although you share laughter and music and sex and places and people and events and memories...... life intervenes. There is a seperation. And a moving on, each into other lives.....other lovers, relationships, marriages. Towards the person you love. Who loves you. Which is good. Your life is what it should be..no more no less.
Now and again though you hear a song or see a film and it takes you back......and you think....if you were ever to see your Hubbell again, how would that be? I think the best bit would be just.....not meeting ,no never that.. not speaking, words would not be needed......but the deliciousness of just seeing an older familiar face across a room and sharing a look....a memory of young love....then moving on.

27.

Just for now.