Sunday, October 31, 2010

Setting myself a challenge...and toughening up a bit..

Words were said today. Statements made with conviction. The world did not spin off its axis. Am a bit tired of being accommodating. Tomorrow is the start of a new month. A beginning. Good. My sleeves are rolled up.

On a lighter note......from tomorrow I intend to post everyday....a word, a sentence, a picture.  I can hardly contain your excitement can you? I saw you roll your eyes just then ....... but blog for me...I might even start to swear in print (I certainly do in real life..)..and write about more than dull as ditchwater stuff.

the hours......

Yesterday, upon waking, I decided that I would make an effort to enjoy every little bit of the day that I could. Look at things, appreciate my life. I know it is a small life. An ordinary life. Happily that is OK with me.  As I have said before, I am middle aged, middle looking, middle ability ordinary. With great blessings though. I can see, hear, move, think, use the hours of the weekend as freely as I good is that?
My day was one I want to try to remember, because of its very ordinary nature. Nothing bad happened. So I tried to think about and relish each hour.
Leisurely breakfast, reading, showering, titivating the hair and face and getting dressed. Own hair and teeth. Good start.
Accidentally meeting a friend of my daughters on the station as I bought myself a ticket for a day out...he tells me how well she is and how she is having the best time and how they had a lovely evening out in the week and will give her my love in person this week. I am content.
There is a robin hopping about by my feet on the platform. I love to see Joe Robin. Makes me happy.
A train journey that showed me houses, fields, trees, horses, motorways, farms. All washed with a warm sun.
Shopping. But 'treaty' shopping. Not necessary items. New mascara. Second hand books.
Figs and raspberries and nuts.  Two skirts that I don't really need....but both from charity shops.
Seeing a Saturday in action in a place where people were just getting on with the day and going about their traders, shoppers, charachters dressed up, birds of prey on display, kids getting excited about impending 'spookiness'. Lighting a candle in a beautiful Cathedral, taking some time to sit and think.
On the return journey the young lad near me on the train, wearing a hoodie and keeping himself well tucked in to the corner of the seat and trying to be invisible, became anxious as the ticket inspector moved along the carriage. I surprised myself by taking out my purse to see if I had some change to give him. Really surprised myself....usually I am very 'angry of old bugger land' and think you should have a ticket like the rest of us...but somehow the sunshine and the lovely day out made me less judgemental possibly...anyhoo...the inspector asked for his ticket and just as I was about to lean across and proffer some change, the inspector said he would let him off this time but don't do it saw kindness at work.
Met up with my mister in a bar (no alcohol...soft drinks) and decided that instead of cooking we would go mad and have the M+S eat out for a tenner deal. No preparation, no pots and pans to wash.
Talked to my kids on the 'phone. Had tea and cheesecake. Did a crossword. Watched rubbish on TV as I read. Listened to Elton John in concert. Took me back so many many years in my head.
Looked back on the day happily.
In a really heartfelt way, certainly not a smug way, want to celebrate how lucky I am. I am ordinary, leading an ordinary life, and I wish such a free, ordinary life, could be enjoyed by everybody.
Still a'feared o'the fates....but managed another day without their inteference, so maybe they are kind too. Hope so.

These pictures are really bad I know....but apart from the spelling in the cabbage shot....I like them.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Observe..mother nature...

It looks so dramatic outside. All darkening skies and wildly swaying (swaying wildly?) tree branches. I have lit a candle (£4.99 in TKMaxx...very lovely) and the house is quiet. No television or radio or lights on and although I am not using a quill pen and sitting at a desk in a vicarage on the moors I feel very 'bronte' ish......quite fancy wearing a long floaty dress and having a 'master from the other farm' arrive on his horse for an unexpected obviously in need of some carriage and corset fun on the tv obviously..what on earth did you think I meant??
Actually I think I am just really really glad it's Friday. In fact, am just getting changed to go to the pub with the mister. Not very 'Pride and Cranford and Gosford and Downton and Wuthering and Mansfield' at all.
I believe it's called a Weatherspoons.

Have a lovely weekend.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Such a BIG bag of crisps....

Y'know when you come in from work and you have no idea what you might have for dinner. When you wish you had a chef in the cupboard who would say 'sit down...take your shoes under 5 minutes you can sit down to a lovely hot home cooked masterpiece...' When you don't fancy fish and chips. When there is not much in the fridge. At all. Hardly anything. Well there is something at the back oozing a little but you don't know what it is and you're hoping that it will be dealt with by somebody else. At some point. But will probably be you when you're having a mad clean everywhere. When visitors are coming. Or Christmas.
So you take your shoes off and put the kettle on and then stand in the kitchen, and sort of look around.
Biscuit tin is empty. Cake tin is empty. You are a failure as a domestic goddess. But then you see that big bag of posh crisps. The expensive ones. That taste so good. Usually just a few is all you need with a lovely sandwich. Before you know which way is up you are standing in the kitchen with greasy fingers and bits around your mouth feeling a bit....full...and claggy.....and the bag is empty. 'Well that's dinner sorted then' you say to the cat. Shoot me now.

Monday, October 25, 2010

designated area......

Ok. Let's not get excited now. There is no plan. Don't know what might tumble out.

Have had a lovely weekend. All visitors and children have left the building. University child has rung to say she is now back and all is well with her. Sister and family are on their way home, with promises of get togethers in a few weeks. Parents, I think, enjoyed lunch yesterday, and forgot their own aches and pains today, as they had to be good samaritans to their 'elderly' neighbour, who had fallen.
All laundry has been transferred from the 'dirty' basket, via the magic of the washing machine, to the 'will sit here for weeks until you need me' basket.
I have put the dishwasher on. I have dyed my hair dark, or 'autumnal' as I like to think of it. Then again I like to think of my mind as alert and my body as slim and toned..HA.
Tea has been drunk and right NOW has been designated as 'blogging' time.

Imagine tumbleweed rolling across the prairie.......

I could say that, to my surprise, when I tried on a size 16 skirt today, it didn't was ever so slightly tight....but that would be admitting to being a lardarse IN PRINT so perhaps will keep that to myself......

I could say that, my dad still makes me laugh everytime he says 'one less pound in the doctors pocket' whenever someone farts.....I did think about saying 'passes wind' just then, but actually in real life I say must be true to myself here.

I could say that I am relieved there is no choir this week, what with it being half term and all, and  me quite fancying a week of going nowhere and doing nothing - other than going to work of course.

I could say that 8% alcohol wine is ok once you get used to it. Which it is. Honestly. Stop laughing.

I could say that looking at the local houses for sale in the paper this week, the house I live in, with the mortgage that I will never repay, has gone down in price by thousands and thousands of pounds over the last few years ... thousands and thousands and ........oh long as God spares me and I never move house again, things will all work out in the end. I hope.

I could also say that today I spent at least an hour looking over old photographs....aaaahhhed....over pictures of the kids.....smiled to myself as I realised how old we looked in the eighties...when we were younger.

I could say that, thinking about it, and taking advice from all who volunteered an opinion, setting aside time to blog might be the way to go..........

and this is how frosty it was in the garden this morning.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

blogging now and again....

Keep wanting to write things. Wake up and want to write things. Think of things I want to write. Never get around to writing though. Have realised that in order to blog you have to apply yourself and make time to do it. Not as a chore. No never that.  As a chunk of time I devote to just thinking/typing/rambling.
If the rest of the world has moved on to twitter I don't care. I very much want to continue to blog. Some of the best blogs I read are virtual voices of people of all ages who, in my mind, are leaving a trail of words that, should they ever be followed, lead their family or their friends to a place sometimes worth visiting.
So yet again, I am visiting the inside of my head and putting it into print....maybe when I have alzheimers or dementia, I will backtrack and read these ramblings and they will make me remember....possibly smile.
Anyhoo...........I feel quite chipper today. Don't know why, but I'm not going to worry about that, just roll with it. Choir last night was hard work ... the lady next to me kept saying 'is that a c? a g?/who is doing the descant? /you really don't read music??' and yet again I felt like a right idiot...but I'm not giving up yet.
Bought a lovely pair of boots in a charity shop. Cooked a spaghetti tonight ready for tea organised is that? Am reading a good book. Am not daunted by the very large pile of ironing threatening to topple over and kill the cats. Had a friend over to stay on Friday night...booked tickets for a gig.
Have spoken to both of my kids absolutely adoring being at Uni., and the other applying for a job (if anyone is reading this and feels so inclined then please do cross fingers for him..thank you) and I am ignoring any bad news in the media and just taking each day as it comes. I have no control over lots of things in life. Will accept that. Have joined a photography club so hopefully over time will post some half way decent pictures here....the photos on the blogs I read are amazing. Am totally ignoring grammar/spelling/compostion etc., on this blog....feels freeing to be able to just witter away.
Might go and pour myself a glass of wine now...what do you think? should I?

Sunday, October 3, 2010

afeared o'the fates..

As I fell asleep last night, I reflected on how lucky I was. It seemed to me that as Saturdays go this one had been ordinary but splendid. Firstly, I didn't have to get up and go to work, a good start to any day in my book, and after taking my time over breakfast and getting ready, me and the mister drove the 25 ish miles to visit ma and pa. Now this can be feast or famine, for I never know until arriving whether world war 3 has broken out and hostilities abound, making the visit sad and uncomfortable, and a chore to be gotten through, that leaves an unhappy mood lowering few days afterwards or if peace reigns and love and laughter are there waiting to be enjoyed. It has been this way for as long as I can remember, and I am now in the 55-60 tick box. As soon as pa opened the door (I do have a key but still feel it not quite right to just let myself in) my whole body relaxed as there was no atmosphere, thick as fog, emanating from the house. Mom shouted a cheery hello and all was well.
Later in the day I spoke to my daughter, and my sister, and my niece, and emailed my brother, and in the evening went out to dinner with my husband, my son and his partner and her parents.
 In one way or another interacted with people in my life that I love.
One of the things we spoke of at dinner was karma.....does what goes around come around for everybody? If you focus on giving will you receive? are there more good souls out there than bad? do people get what they deserve in life?
All I know is that I am a negative person. A pessimist from birth I think. The glass is always half empty..the shoe is just waiting to drop....the worst will happen.......and as a result of this I have been scared all of my life...scared of just about everything.........which puzzles me....after all, I can thankfully say that me and mine are not in hospital, prison, or doing without a roof over our heads and food and water. So this ever present undercurrent of 'is this the day, the moment? is the bad thing going to happen now?' should not be a daily part of my life. And Saturday seemed to say to me as I drifted off....y'see all is positive .So I am going to give it a go....focus on good things...positivity...believe that things do and will work out.....and tentatively wait and see.

Typing this a little later than the rest of what I have written...initially worried that my words were self indulgent and that yet again I needed a kick up the backside. Truly though, this blog is not somewhere that I feel I should have to watch what I say or feel guilty about upsetting is where I visit to just 'let the fizz out of the bottle' sometimes or put down a random thought or two......and so bearing that in mind and continuing to 'be happy don't worry' I am already planning a happier post for next time.....maybe a 'list' post.....or a 'photo' post....I like those!

Friday, October 1, 2010

giving it a go....

Ever joined something you wish you maybe hadn't joined? I am slightly wobbly about my recent new activity. Only second week in but already there is anxiety, puzzlement, weird noise. I don't know where I am supposed to stand. Sometimes I just feign the 'ooooohhhs and aaaahhhhss'....wonder if it fools them?
They speak a strange language, that I struggle to understand. My friend from work, who with a smile on her face said it would be fun and ' there is no audition, you don't have to read music and of course you can sing' might not have been telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I have joined a choir. Have wanted to for years, but don't read music, don't really know if I am soprano, alto, tenor or bass?!?  and am terrified that the conductor is going to spread her hands then lift one to her ear and point my way saying  'you ... making that terrible noise at the back...please leave...'.
We had sheets of music paper this know that stuff that to me just sits on pianos and has black and white lines and squiggly bits on it....and she kept saying things like ' so at that D or E or C return to bar 17 for an accent on that long note....'. I thought she had slipped into Serbo Croat..........
Can't give up just yet though... listening to voices in unison has always made me goose bumpy....and I would love love love to perhaps get through this initial bit and maybe be a part of that.....unless I am discovered and booted out mind you.

Must work out the heating........

I left for work at 7.50 this morning - no heating on - left work at 5.15 and then went to choir - so have just come in and the house is COLD...