Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Over it now....maybe

Just in case you're interested I didn't cry.....well not in front of her anyway....I smiled and hugged her, said 'have fun sweetpea, love you' and climbed into the car with a wave and a smile. Three minutes later on the motorway home I could be brave no longer and asked my husband, between gulps and sobs and tears, if he could turn the car around and we could not leave her at university please. Quietly (for he was a bit emotional himself) he reminded me that she was fine, would have a great time, and that I should have a good cry and get it all out and then concentrate on carrying on.
One week and a bit later, and having used skype for the first time (oh the wonders of the modern world) I have changed her bed, hoovered her room, and am now looking forward to seeing her sometime in the next few weeks. I have seen the photos of the new people she is enjoying making friends with, heard about the parties and the drinks, and believe with all my heart that she will be happy and involved and live, love, laugh and learn. What more could I want for my beautiful girl?

So the dreaded departure came and went and all was well........I am using my favourite photo of her as a bookmark though.

p.s. To all the kind people who have read my whiny scribblings over the past few months, and commented so sagely....thank you...each and everyone of you....you are good folk and I appreciate each and every comment.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

chasing the past?

I have already written about the forthcoming departure to University of my beloved daughter. I am doing remarkably well with regard to not crying, or just watching her when she is unaware and going about her normal day to day-ness. She does not know how all consuming my feeling about this departure is. We laugh about how I might shed a little tear on Sunday when we say goodbye. I am ashamed that people say goodbye to children going to war, or into a hospital or God forbid into the ground....and I cannot compare my feeling with theirs....but the fact that this is a goodbye of sorts remains.....and grieves me....hurts my heart. She will probably never live at home again.
 People have always said that we look alike. We are very close, and it occurred to me today that while she is still here, we share so much of our lives together..she makes me remember my teenage years....my early married life longing for a child.....my 'young mum' years.
I want to do it again.....go back and do it all again.  Can't chase the past.....as fruitless as trying to knit with fog.....but I am so struggling with stepping into the future. I will just miss her so very very much....my heart, my baby, my beautiful child.

Friday, September 10, 2010

The other side....

Firstly...thank you so much to all the lovely people who wished me better....you know who you are...your kindness was truly appreciated.

Well, I don't know what I've had, but I do not want it ever again....am feeling so much better now ... lots of doing nothing and going nowhere and sleeping seems to have been the order of the day. How strange the body and our maintenance of it is. Wished at some points, when my husband and kids looked at me, that I had bright blue spots or a broken joint  that they could see, that would explain how awful I felt....but I gather that their telling me  'you've looked terrible' covered it anyway. Might walk around the block today, and even cook something later...the mister has been at the chip shop or convenience store every night this week,  (not that he expects me to provide dinner, we both work and usually rustle up something together each night, but as I haven't wanted food this week, he has indulged his 'ping food' hobby....buy it in a box in the supermarket, take off the cardboard cover and microwave it..he doesn't even use a plate ..).
Have been really really lucky to be able to just stay here in my home getting over whatever it is that has laid me low for the past week.......has had me just completely knocked off my feet and unable to leave the house for love nor money. I am not a shirker from work, have never taken time off when it wasn't warranted....but will find it hard to tell colleagues next week that somehow, after 32 years in my job, my body just seemed to stop....I was exhausted, light headed, wanted no food or drink and craved sleep, and just felt wretched, really awful so slept and slept....they will surely think me mad.

Am mad indeed if I do not value every day just how wonderful the body and our care and use of it is..

Monday, September 6, 2010

Diagnosis....lazy bugger?

I have spent the whole weekend either in bed or on the couch with a blanket on me. Things needed doing..life was going on, but I felt like my battery had just stopped. Came home early from work on Thursday and went straight to bed. Can't sleep. Am too hot or too cold. Have no energy. Not hungry and don't even want cake. Am told I look a funny colour. Haven't left the house since Friday. Had a shower yesterday morning in a 'pull yourself together' way and then fell asleep on the bed again. BIG KICK in arse needed..so am up now and will shower and re-enter the world. Need a sit down first though. What do others do when they sort of slip off the road like this?

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

One day in August.....

Spare room - comfy chair - near a radiator - where better to sit and read in peace........this photo was taken on Sunday August 29 ....... a day when 3 bloggers got up off their backsides to go to Bangladesh.........I had planned to park my backside here....but thinking about them, just couldn't. Visit The Gallery courtesy of Tara.


Just for now.